I am part of a healthy teams initiative and we were asked some questions about our family of origin. Here's one I thought I'd post:
Why do you think it’s crucial to forgive others for the consequences of their actions against you?
It is crucial because it allows you to move on in freedom with a pure heart and not get bogged down in bitterness and anger.
May I share a powerful picture of how this happened for me recently?
My Dad committed suicide in April of 2007. In my grieving process, I became very frustrated because I could not get past the suicide. It was like a black cloud hanging over me that was keeping the good memories of my Dad from flowing in. I thought I needed to wrestle with the suicide issues and get it all out and then the memories would start to flow, so I talked to a counselor and filled notebooks with everything surrounding this violent end. The cloud was still there.
Not long after this, I had a day alone in a hotel in Portugal away from my family and other responsibilities. I decided to use it as a personal retreat day. I was surprised by a wave of grief and started thinking of how much I missed my Dad. I began really weeping. I had cried off and on over the year that I had lost him, but this was the first time I had WEPT since I first heard the news. As I was crying, the thought came to me that I needed to forgive my Dad. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner, but I had always thought of his suicide as sinning against God, yet had never considered that he had sinned against me too and I needed to forgive him for the consequences of his action.
Though I realized I needed to forgive him, I felt like I couldn’t. At that moment, I had an intimate experience of Christ taking my face between his hands and turning it toward him. I clamped my eyes shut as I couldn’t look at his face and couldn’t forgive and his words to me were,” Julie, I know how hard it is to forgive, I have cried these same tears in the garden of Gethsemane when I was asked to forgive the sins of the world. Forgive as you have been forgiven.”
But I still could not forgive. Then He said,” I will never leave you nor forsake you”. This was so tender to me because I realized that of all the consequences of Dad’s sin, the most hurtful one was that he left me. He forsook me. He turned his back on me. With the sweet assurance of Christ’s promise, I was able to melt into forgiveness of my Dad. At just that moment, in the town square outside my hotel room, the bells from an old church began to chime. I rose from the bed, looked out my window at the sea and my soul was soaring with the bells. I was free from the black cloud that I thought was suicide, but in reality had been unforgiveness, and the beautiful memories of my love relationship with my Dad have been flowing ever since.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Grief thoughts
O.K. so I broke the number one rule of blogs and did not post for ages. Sorry! I promise to be better.
Good news with William. During the 4th teacher conference she asked if anything was going on at home. I said, well, my Dad died a few months ago and we are all dealing with that. Her eyes got big and she said, "Oh, I forgot about that. That could totally explain what I am seeing with Will's behavior." I think as she started viewing him with compassion, he responded and we have gotten nothing but good reports ever since!
Which brings me to my thoughts on grief. I feel really alone in my grief. There are many factors to this: 1) I am really young to have already lost both parents. Most of my peers haven't been through this and it is hard for them to relate. 2)I live half way around the world from all those who knew and loved him and are grieving. 3)The stigma of suicide keeps people from talking about it.
My Dad broke my heart and Dad's are not supposed to break their little girl's hearts. I wish he could have seen through the veil of depression how much we needed him, how much we loved him.
Through it all, my heavenly Father has been so tenderly close to me and perfectly loving me. It is an intensely, intimate, learning time for me as so often happens during crisis. For this I am thankful and gain the strength to continue walking through the valley of death.
Good news with William. During the 4th teacher conference she asked if anything was going on at home. I said, well, my Dad died a few months ago and we are all dealing with that. Her eyes got big and she said, "Oh, I forgot about that. That could totally explain what I am seeing with Will's behavior." I think as she started viewing him with compassion, he responded and we have gotten nothing but good reports ever since!
Which brings me to my thoughts on grief. I feel really alone in my grief. There are many factors to this: 1) I am really young to have already lost both parents. Most of my peers haven't been through this and it is hard for them to relate. 2)I live half way around the world from all those who knew and loved him and are grieving. 3)The stigma of suicide keeps people from talking about it.
My Dad broke my heart and Dad's are not supposed to break their little girl's hearts. I wish he could have seen through the veil of depression how much we needed him, how much we loved him.
Through it all, my heavenly Father has been so tenderly close to me and perfectly loving me. It is an intensely, intimate, learning time for me as so often happens during crisis. For this I am thankful and gain the strength to continue walking through the valley of death.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Missionary Kid
It's the end of the first month of school, and William's teacher has already called me 3 times saying things like, "Will is talking in class, zoning out, not following directions, doesn’t keep up with his stuff.... " I am checking the internet for ADD symptoms and getting paranoid and frustrated with him. Then, last week three things happened in one day that God used to open my eyes:
Scene 1: I am in the car-pool line waiting for the kids to come out from school. Katia comes running out, but no William. The dismissal teacher pages him again as cars behind me start to honk. Finally, William comes running out getting scolded loudly in Russian for being late, just like the children’s book Ping as he gets spanked for being the last duck back on the ship. As he climbs in the car, I ask why he is late. He says, “Mom, I was the hall monitor today and there was a second grader who had like 4 knots tied in his shoe laces. I had to help him get his shoes on so he wouldn’t be late for his bus.” What a picture of Christ’s love, taking our punishment for us.
Scene 2: We get home and Will pulls a package of seaweed out of his backpack. I asked where he got it and he said, “I bought it from the Korean girls at lunch so I can make my own sushi”. I said, “Since when have you sat with girls at lunch?” He replied, “Since they started sharing their food with us. I just love Korean food” and proceeded to destroy my kitchen rolling his own sushi! Just think of all the world’s problems that would be solved if all of us were able to withstand peer-pressure in the lunch room and choose who we sat with not based on gender, race, or religion, but on who had the best lunch!
Scene 3: Later that evening, Katia was playing on their computer when a Skype call came in. It was Will’s best friend, Christian, calling from Holland. (His family is there this semester, seeing their oldest off to college). I overhear Will and Christian analyzing the differences between the educational systems of Holland, Ukraine, and the U.S.
Then it hit me. I thought, if William were 25 and interviewing for a job with some multi-national company, he’d be hired in a minute. Just think, he demonstrates servant leadership, uses the latest computer technology to communicate across the globe, has years of experience working with people from many cultures, and can list as hobbies – rolling sushi and reading Russian literature! Alas, he is not 25, he is in 5th grade where skills like sitting quietly, doing your work neatly, and following instructions are valued! Don’t get me wrong, Will certainly needs to improve these disciplines, but the Lord showed me that in the bigger picture of life, for whatever purpose God is preparing him for, William will be just fine. I just need to chill and wait until his life circumstances catch up with his interests. In the mean time, I’ll keep sprouting more grey hairs, enduring being honked at in the car-pool line, and humbly answering the phone (his teacher is on my caller ID), all in the hope that he makes it out of 5th grade.
Scene 1: I am in the car-pool line waiting for the kids to come out from school. Katia comes running out, but no William. The dismissal teacher pages him again as cars behind me start to honk. Finally, William comes running out getting scolded loudly in Russian for being late, just like the children’s book Ping as he gets spanked for being the last duck back on the ship. As he climbs in the car, I ask why he is late. He says, “Mom, I was the hall monitor today and there was a second grader who had like 4 knots tied in his shoe laces. I had to help him get his shoes on so he wouldn’t be late for his bus.” What a picture of Christ’s love, taking our punishment for us.
Scene 2: We get home and Will pulls a package of seaweed out of his backpack. I asked where he got it and he said, “I bought it from the Korean girls at lunch so I can make my own sushi”. I said, “Since when have you sat with girls at lunch?” He replied, “Since they started sharing their food with us. I just love Korean food” and proceeded to destroy my kitchen rolling his own sushi! Just think of all the world’s problems that would be solved if all of us were able to withstand peer-pressure in the lunch room and choose who we sat with not based on gender, race, or religion, but on who had the best lunch!
Scene 3: Later that evening, Katia was playing on their computer when a Skype call came in. It was Will’s best friend, Christian, calling from Holland. (His family is there this semester, seeing their oldest off to college). I overhear Will and Christian analyzing the differences between the educational systems of Holland, Ukraine, and the U.S.
Then it hit me. I thought, if William were 25 and interviewing for a job with some multi-national company, he’d be hired in a minute. Just think, he demonstrates servant leadership, uses the latest computer technology to communicate across the globe, has years of experience working with people from many cultures, and can list as hobbies – rolling sushi and reading Russian literature! Alas, he is not 25, he is in 5th grade where skills like sitting quietly, doing your work neatly, and following instructions are valued! Don’t get me wrong, Will certainly needs to improve these disciplines, but the Lord showed me that in the bigger picture of life, for whatever purpose God is preparing him for, William will be just fine. I just need to chill and wait until his life circumstances catch up with his interests. In the mean time, I’ll keep sprouting more grey hairs, enduring being honked at in the car-pool line, and humbly answering the phone (his teacher is on my caller ID), all in the hope that he makes it out of 5th grade.
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